Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder…
Where has time brought me to?
Now as an adult, with far more responsibilities, far more constraints. Am I truly in a place that I enjoy? Or am I in a place that I simply tolerate, because you know, it puts bread on the table. It is nice to have spending money?
As much as it sounds like I’m pointing fingers at time, I’m not.
As a child, I enjoy indulging in creative projects. I take photos on a daily basis, force my poor friends into being my models my friends are all more than willing to be my free labour whenever crazy ideas struck me deep and hard. I edit photos, admire them.
Dabble in activities that bring me cash for allowance, and I juggle my grades all at the same time.
I was literally doing that work hard, play hard thing that people are buzzing about now.
Look at me now, slouched over the laptop, tapping away at roughly about 3 alphabets per minute (or I imagine it to be so, because 30 minutes felt like foreverrrrrrr). The feeling of doing something because I’m salaried and hence this should take precedence over any creative crazy ideas that I’ve been harbouring in my mind.
My inner dialogue is crazy these days.
Brain: You know, you should get your fingers moving and get that work cleared. You know that the D-day is looming right ahead. LET’S GET STARTED!
also the Brain: But there’s this awesome idea that I have, you know perhaps I could sneak a few product shots for the next hour and go back to the work?
Brain: No, you are paid to do work! So work should get done.
again, the Brain: But…I don’t feel like doing it! It’s the weekend! Give me a break. Weekends are for fun stuff, and I should’t be typing out work stuff.
The dialogue went on forever, debating whether I should do work, or should I do something that I like.
Though deep down, I know the solution is to first clear the work and I am free to enjoy in any creative endeavours that I choose to partake.
But no, after I’m done with the imaginary debate with no obvious winner. The clock literally did a sprint,and I wound up having lost 3 hours of my life. I grapple with the way I’m handling this non-existent not even mid-life crisis, whilst trying very hard not to tear my hair out.
I think, I’m terrible at this adulting business.
Oh why, do I tap on my Instagram and marvel over the many inspirations – Look! She’s so productive! So talented! So amazing!
And wound up feeling small, unaccomplished and perhaps even slightly jealous of the picturesque life of others. ( I know picturesque isn’t used this way, but just let me pleaseeeeee).
Everyone seems to be doing a better job than me! The horrors!
I proceed to convince myself that social media only show the good stuff, and that it is highly curated and chock full of positivity, glitter and pixie dust (all of which I do not possess), and that I shouldn’t be bothered by what I saw, because what presented to me might not be the truth!
Am I doing #positivity right?
Although, I’m extremely rather cynical about where I am with time now. I trust that given time, I will eventually reach where I desire to be.
Oh the oxymoron.
I shall just practice faith then.
Have some faith. (I’m repeating this to anyone, any, who is willing to listen to me)
OH LOOK, I’VE TALENT IN WASTING TIME APPARENTLY.
Hiam 