March 2021 – Hiam

Familiarity.

March 28, 2021 thehiamsLeave a comment

I was shopping around the store, when I heard a familiar tune. I mouthed every single word of the lyrics accurately, down to the adlibs.

I wasn’t interested in what the store has to offer, entirely distracted by the playlist that the employee had put up. Song after song, I “sang” along, and time and time again, I stunned myself by knowing the lyrics, without even knowing the title of the song. (I may have walked a good 20 rounds around the small store and scrutinized every single piece of article of clothing before leaving.)

We often say that time erodes memories, and fade experiences.

But time and time again, it is proven wrong.

As soon as the familiarity hits, no matter how much time we have between us, it all rushes back.

I remember fondly the Sunday mornings where brother and I would sit infront of the telly to watch MTV’s Top 20 countdown, singing along to every single song, rapping to every single profanity of Eminem’s drops. We cheer when the songs we like are in the top 3, felt sad when the familiar tunes dropped out of the top 20.

Gone are the Sundays where we spent time together. Grown up and married, I hardly see the brother at home anymore, much less the luxury of sitting down together to watch a programme.

A tinge of regret rushes back when I thought of the times that I thought that time is infinite, and we would all never grow up.

Time and time again, only time would tell.

100%

March 18, 2021March 17, 2021 thehiamsLeave a comment

For a long time, or should I say, for a large part of my life, I wanted to be the 100% girl.

Not on my own terms, but the 100% girl in the eyes of others.

The perfect girl, shiny, and impeccable in the eyes of others.

For that 100% that I chased, I measured myself against others whom I deemed as 100% in my eyes, and poured in hard work towards it.

In the process, insecurity engulfed me. Instead of becoming the confident happy person that I thought I was working towards, I was sprinting backwards. Every time I compare, I felt I was lacking. When people commented about my progress, I heard it as sarcasm. I can never take a genuine compliment as it is, I would put myself down in the process while the compliment was given, like it was undeserving, when I had actually put in hard work for it. It makes me shake, now that I am typing this.

Because it was me, who single-handedly destroyed myself.

I had a good conversation with my friend, and she said, “Y’know, people around you love you for who you are, and not your potentials, and who you can be. If you want to work hard, that’s great, but remember, work hard for yourself, not because someone say you have the potential to do great things. In this crazy world where every one is measured by their potential and abilities, it is so hard to not get swept away by this storm. Be your own 100%, and even if you are not quite there, you will always know that this is a work in progress, and no one can take it from you.”

Indeed, no one can take it away from you.

Moving ahead to be my own 100% girl.