Author: thehiams

100%

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For a long time, or should I say, for a large part of my life, I wanted to be the 100% girl.

Not on my own terms, but the 100% girl in the eyes of others.

The perfect girl, shiny, and impeccable in the eyes of others.

For that 100% that I chased, I measured myself against others whom I deemed as 100% in my eyes, and poured in hard work towards it.

In the process, insecurity engulfed me. Instead of becoming the confident happy person that I thought I was working towards, I was sprinting backwards. Every time I compare, I felt I was lacking. When people commented about my progress, I heard it as sarcasm. I can never take a genuine compliment as it is, I would put myself down in the process while the compliment was given, like it was undeserving, when I had actually put in hard work for it. It makes me shake, now that I am typing this.

Because it was me, who single-handedly destroyed myself.

I had a good conversation with my friend, and she said, “Y’know, people around you love you for who you are, and not your potentials, and who you can be. If you want to work hard, that’s great, but remember, work hard for yourself, not because someone say you have the potential to do great things. In this crazy world where every one is measured by their potential and abilities, it is so hard to not get swept away by this storm. Be your own 100%, and even if you are not quite there, you will always know that this is a work in progress, and no one can take it from you.”

Indeed, no one can take it away from you.

Moving ahead to be my own 100% girl.

Picking up the brush after months is…need to practice more.

To end off the post in a light hearted note, XiaoMi says I’m a 100 too.

February Shenanigans in March

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My happy place.

Have yet to write out my schedule for March.

My first loud shirt for Chinese New Year Day 1, looking forward to freezing some sunshine.

Armed with my gameboy bag.

A demure bag for other days.

Where the person you like very much, happens to like you as well. The possibility of which is like striking TOTO, statistically pessimistic.

My table situation for days and weeks.

The days impossibly warm and the skies overly cheerful watching us burn.

Of Hellos and Goodbyes.

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That was the first Hello we had, and then it happens to be the last Goodbye as well.

You were happily zipping around us all, never holding still for a shot. Bursting energy, little ball of life.

The news I read made me wonder, how many hellos and goodbyes do we have with all things in life. How many greetings became unknowingly became the last? How many more hellos do we have?

I finally muttered the last goodbye to the last shred of connection we once shared. As I irreversibly removed it with numerous clicks and endless phone calls to made sure that I wipe out the last remaining trace.

Hello, and Goodbye.

You.

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Hey you.

Things might be really tough right now, where everyday becomes a challenge, your mind always in a frenzy.

Your mental complains get more and more frequent, to the point where you’re tired of listening to your own complaints. The complaints are like the unnecessary reruns on telly, unrelenting.

The more you listen to the hum of the complaints, the more dishearten you feel. Like you’re struggling against the current, trying to inch towards an imaginary island that you can no longer envision.

It must have been really tiring, haven’t it?

But remember, you’re never alone. You’re well loved. This period might suck, but it will not be sucky forever.

If you don’t learn to let go, you will never learn to float in the sea. If you don’t let go, eventually the amount of exhaustion will drown you.

Perhaps there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, the burst of runs may turn out to be futile…but atleast I tried. Hurt as I may, I can proudly say that I’ve really tried.

Meanwhile, just keep swimming, just keep trying.

Perhaps one day, I’ll see you at the end of the road.

1.

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Hello new year.

Dear 2020, thank you for all the hurt, confusions, challenges and lastly growth.

I will be better in this year, mentally and physically. This is not a New Year Resolution like previous years, it is a promise to self and to the people who love me.

I’m already at more than half way point, and I look forward to continually evolve and see where I can end up.

202NE1, we’ve got this.

As if on cue, 2NE1’s 내가 제일 잘나가 starts playing.

删.

thehiamsLeave a comment

这是一段，写了又删，删了又写的文字。

那些仿佛离不开口的温度，由手指尖一键一键地敲出。

其实有很多说不出口的感觉，化作哽咽的时候。我不喜欢谈感受，那种轻轻触碰就能挤出莫名的泪水的感受。

那些莫名的感受。

那些处理不清的感受，偶尔熟悉，偶尔陌生。

多么让人捉摸不清，多么像我们世上的每一个人。

x

我又删了一段文字。

是在和谁交待呢？

我不说，没有人会知道吧？

xx

其实，很多事情都是仪式感。

就像我在网上找到我之前要不回的书一样。

要的不过是失而复得的快感。

那该死的仪式感。

xxx

最近的天气不是变态热，便是狂风暴雨。

极端得没有灰色地带。

天气还比很多人爽快，帅气。

xxxx

年末，最后一样东西丢进垃圾桶里。

不褒不贬。

只求与我无关。

xxxxx

我想了很久，大概也想要划清界限吧。

会慢慢地把中文的文章移到别的地方去，重新开始。

I am…

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I am still very much me.

Thoughts a lil disjointed, mood a lil erratic, but otherwise I am still very much me.

Many things have been happening, and I am still struggling to internalize and digest all the events and emotions. Emotions is a scary creature, on days it washes all over, slooshing through my every vein. On other days, it seemed almost foreign, like a barely visible fog that wafts in and out of my vision.

偶尔清晰，偶尔模糊

I recall reading a book about a boy who has the ability to transfer injuries. He started transferring all sorts of injuries from others to himself, because he’d rather that he suffer alone in this world. One day, he met a girl, who had little will to live. He started to wonder if he can transfer mental pain as well, instead of physical pain and wounds. He held her hand, and transferred her pain to himself.

What happened next was beyond his expectations, the amount of pain was far more excruciating than any physical wounds he had experienced. The visceral pain engulfed him inside out.

I don’t remember what happened in the end, but I remembered the paragraphs where he met the girl very well, and the imageries of him transferring the pain, collapsing and crumpling from the pain from the words.

I wondered if in the end he recovered from it all, that beautiful soul who sacrificed himself for others. He could have easily used his ability to transfer pain to another individual, but he chose not to.

I guess, we are truly the sum of our choices.

We chose to become us, amidst the many different choices and circumstances that we are subjected to.

We chose to become us.

Happy Anniversary

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I think every year, I make the same silly goal of wanting to blog atleast once a year.

And every year, I don’t quite seem to make it happen.

This year is no different, an unprecedented year, with a more than expected lapses in blogging.

Funny isn’t it.

To spend money on a yearly basis on something that I hardly touch, as though I pay to maintain my existence on the world wide web. As I received the yearly reminder of payment for my domain, I start to wonder, perhaps that it would be wiser to move on from this space, this domain to another space.

Because I don’t see the need to write for an audience now, I write mainly to amuse myself these days. I write on receipts when I am out, or type it out on my notepad while observing the people around me. While this domain scored zero entries, my physical entries is growing with scraps of receipts taped to a notebook, with me transferring my notepad entries into a notebook. It is a quaint notebook, but it is a true reflection of me as a human being.

As I pondered and toyed with the idea of letting this go, the renewal came and go.

So I guess, I have another year to explore with this blogging spot. Happy Anniversary little one.

Hopefully, I will grow into the habit of typing little nugget of entries in you. Thank you for being here to record my thoughts.

Happy Anniversary.

Nothingness.

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Feelings.

The amount of emotions that washed through me today, was so overwhelming, that my lunch came straight out.

There are times I feel that feeling too much is a blessing, but similarly, a curse. A curse, because on days where I am too tired to digest the emotions that come my way, it gets internalized. The weird attachment of a foreign emotion clouding me throughout the days and weeks.

Today, I didn’t want to feel, I just want to daze through the days, and not commit to anything.

Just nothing.