I have lost count of the number of captions that I have read that goes – This could have been us, just saying.
I always laugh out loud whenever I see it.
This would never be us because no one shares my ice cream, ever.
Guess, this is the reason why, there is never us in the first place.
That day a small piece of feather fluttered into my room.
Warm and fluffy.
The skies dark and gloomy, a stark contrast with the pure white feather. It was like what was left of a little ray of sunshine in my room.
I wonder if the birdie which dropped this piece of feather found a safe place to hide from the impending storm.
You know, when things got bad, we tend to cling on to shreds of things that we deemed as good, and tried very hard not to let go.
Little did we realize that it is really not letting go that is really hurting us.
那天，我忍不住，抱怨工作很辛苦。
娘，原本在看报纸，抬头瞥了我一眼，然后再看报纸，头也不抬地说：“这样，也叫辛苦？”
语气中夹杂着不满，和嘲讽。
不悦，我开始想要证明，我的工作的确不容易，让我感到身心疲惫，让我想要放弃等等等。
“那，你告诉我，世界上有哪个工作，不辛苦？让人身心放松，天天愉快？”
我默然。
“没有吧？”
我开始狡辩，说如果很爱很爱那份工作，大概就不会觉得那么累。
娘再给我一记白眼。
“当你的热忱，看不见回报时，不会觉得很灰心，不会觉得很不值得吗？”
我再一次陷入苦思。
“年轻人，总是被美好的憧憬蒙蔽了双眼。你们没吃过真正的苦，没有真正地用双手努力地争取过任何的东西。
对你们而言，一切都来得太容易，太可有可无。
对拱手给你的机会，你也不会珍惜。你什么都不缺，就只缺了韧性。”
娘的一针见血，让沉默的我语塞。
甚至有些惭愧。
对于上一辈来说，连教育的机会都需要争取的时代，需要养家活口的时代，多累都不能停下双手的年代，从我口中吐出“辛苦”这两个字，听起来是多么的可笑。
也是多么可耻。
看来是时候反省，建立韧性的时候了。
你有没有想过，成长到底是什么味道？
是甜？酸？苦？辣？咸？
对我来说，成长有一种莫名的苦涩味。虽然其中五味夹杂，但最明显的是那挥之不去的苦涩味。
或许正因如此，长大后的我，喝咖啡不再加糖。
反正，再苦，也不会比成长苦。
茶，再涩，也不会比成长涩。
偶尔啜饮着半温不暖的咖啡时，脑子里在想 – 这，或许就是咖啡抚慰心灵的地方吧？
很多时候，很多人都会告诉你
只要坚持，一定会有成果
那种很轻描淡写地生活智慧，从他们的双唇之间脱出。
不过，他们总忘了说
有时坚持下去，也有可能会是最凄美的徒劳无功
我们到底在坚持写什么？
最近，时间越是不充足，脑袋里想的东西却是越来越多
也越来越天马行空
很像做东做西都是可行的
仿佛年少时，那种莫名的勇气，又在睡眠不足时，悄悄地找到了走回我怀抱的那条路。
时间不够用啊。
对于未来，我又很多问号
也有对未来的恐惧
我也尽量不要去思考这件事
我只是很专注地过着我的每一天。
未来，改天再聊吧。
这一点，我很坚持。
Often I caught myself asking: for what?
It seems like I have caught on the habit of asking myself – what am I doing this for? As though there should be a purpose for everything that I do.
Not everything has a purpose.
I took the photo because I feel like it, I didn’t even rotate the picture so you can see things the way I saw.
Perhaps, it is a reminder that, there is no purpose in many things in life. We are merely giving ourselves griefs by wanting to have a perfectly driven life.
That’s perfect bullshit really.
I have no purpose for doing things that I feel like, and I am okay with it.
The skies weeps and I laughed.
Kaypoh: Being overly interested/curious about the private life of others.
I think most people identify the hallmark of auntie-ness with:
Aunties are great, lest the unwanted advice portion. The only disturbing thing that I realized is that they want a story in exchange when they tell you theirs. Their expecting eyes twinkled with anticipation when they uttered the final LAH of their story. It’s like those ancient Chinese Drama where people become sworn brothers by mixing blood in a bowl of water and sharing it. We become closer because I share my story, so you should share yours.
Shit.
I ran through the stories in my head, and considered about using a real story but with names changed to maintain confidentiality.
GIRL AH. Need to think so long, so young so forgetful already.
The auntie tutted at me.
Ok lor. Just as I was about to share something mundane. Her bus arrived ( how timely! Thank you bus uncle you just saved me from having to talk further ).
BYE AH.
She hopped on the bus. The small frame moved swiftly, though she was limping slightly as she walked.
I stared at the empty seat next to me as the bus left.
It was nice talking to someone and hearing their stories. The warmth of her voice, and how proud she was of her son. So….human.
And it led me to think of how cold we humans have evolved to be over the days, months, years and decades.
Even our kaypoh is now hidden behind the screens of our laptops and phones. We read blogs, about people who share about their life. We obsessively follow them as they update, poking our abnormally cyber noses into everything we are curious about.
It feels like we know that person, because of the stories that they share, yet when we see them in person, it struck me deeply that they are very different. What we perhaps read and judge them on, is merely the tip of the ice-berg. Either that, or we are deluded by the facade that they’ve created.
We are actually all the same, no matter what identity we chose to assume, what mask we chose to don today.
We are all the same.
The bus stop gets populated once more, and the reality sinks in.
I just googled how long it might take to break a habit.
21 days, it says.
Clicked on another scholarly article, and it says this research result was published in 1970s.
Ouch, a near 40 years of difference.
Let me click on another article, it says for a new habit to stick, it takes an average of 66 days. 66 days doesn’t sound all too bad, it’s like…2 months.
Then I read on, only to find out that it varies from individual to individual, it could take place from 18 days ( ~2.5 weeks) to 254 days (8.5 months). The huge range will prolly make my stats prof weep.
I clicked on article after article, and each suggests a different length of time required.
There seems to not be a fixed solution to this problem at hand, which is fair enough, as we are all unique individuals with different mindsets and level of self discipline.
Well, that sure puts things into perspective, and is very encouraging to individual (aka me).
Looks like we have some work to do, or reverse engineer this. Cultivate a good habit to cancel out the effects of that one bad habit. Outnumber the bad habits by having more good habits!
4. Level of evasion: infinite (please hire me to play dodgeball, I am good at avoiding issues)
FINE.
I guess I really do want to get rid of this habit, but I am very emotional. I am an emotion-hoarder (is there such a term?)
The thing is, I let people waltz in and out of my life. I know they are doing this intentionally, only waltzing in when they need help, or they lack attention. (Essentially I am a doormat)
I find excuses for them – they really need help! What if they really needed a listening ear, and I turned them away? What if this what if that...
The amount of drama that went through my head whenever I see a familiar yet strange name pop-up on my phone screen…is immense. (I am dying in my own melodrama, would mediacorp perhaps consider hiring me).
I rationalize by saying that if I did not rendered help when they need it, and something did indeed happened…I will just live in guilt my entire life.
Though, most of the situations were not life-threatening (thank goodness), after helping/listening to them. They disappear into a wisp of air, and will only return when the next episodes starts.
Then, I start questioning myself. Is that really needed? Do I really need to even entertain them?
Then I realized, this is a bad habit. A habit that I need to break (atleast for the moment, because I do have alot on my plate at the moment).
To quit prioritizing people who prolly don’t truly value me anyway.
But every time, a situation arises, and my heart would soften and I will end up helping anyway.
Kill them with kindness, so they say.
I think the only one that I am killing is myself.
Though I don’t think I will fully break this never-ending vicious cycle of dilemma(I think that requires a change of character in entirety), I think I must learn to pick my battles very carefully.
Instead of breaking this habit, I think I would prefer to cultivate the habit of taking time to reply.
To let myself cool down, think, before deciding if I want to reply.
Onwards to the next 65 days of growing this habit!
你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
长大了，才突然间明白，有时笑，哭，闹，疯都有不同的意思。
那种言不由衷的意思。
大人，是不是真正的快乐？
小时候，头顶上的天空总是很美丽。天空很辽阔，草地绿油油的，就连小小的 neighborhood 都觉得是大大的。
阿嬷家楼下的杂货店里的每样东西都很新奇。
杂货店里的叔叔总是会拉下挂在天花板的铁罐来找零钱。
能够吃上几毛钱的水果口味棒棒糖就会开心很久。
偶尔求求姑姑买本漫画看，就能度过快乐的下午。
星期天早上去的动物园，到了不用看地图都知道动物们在那个角落的程度。
因为天气很热，动物园里卖的汽水很贵，所以我们都自己带了冰好的可乐。炎热的天气，配上解渴的可乐，那个滋味我到现在也忘不了。
Macritchie Reservoir 里的草地上，我们一起玩着飞盘，嘻嘻哈哈看着日落才满意地回家。
去外婆家后面的山丘上堆沙堡。
带着外婆养的野狗到附近散步。
一叠图书馆借来的故事书，就能让我度过无数个快乐的小时。
小时候，除了考试之外的每一天，都很快乐，都很新奇。
现在呢？
长高长大了，却越来越不明白什么是快乐。
站在天空下的我，第一反应是为什么那么热？阳光干嘛那么刺眼？
楼下的杂货店没了，取而代之的是冷漠的便利商店。每个便利商店卖的都是千篇一律的东西。
叔叔阿姨们面无表情地按着收银机。
东西越吃越贵，但不见得越吃越快乐。
书本，一本接着一本地买。
以前的烦恼只是自己的成绩，现在想的，却有太多。
看见的世界越是辽阔，心胸却又莫名其妙地狭隘了。
笑得越是大声，越是想要掩饰心中的不快乐。
真是令人讽刺的成长，不是吗？
人越大，想要的更多。以前，只和自己赛跑，现在却觉得自己在和全世界陪跑。
小时候，是自己给自己设限。现在，是别人给你画上一个又一个框框，而你，也只能心甘情愿地走进去。接受着局限过活着。
就连小时候，随心所欲的逗点，现在都能成为别人眼中看不爽的钉。
到底，什么是快乐？
去哪里，放下什么，才能换回真正的快乐？
说真的，我想，我们都其实只想要快乐。
放手。
对于很多人事物，其实都需要放手。
有时，手抓得越紧，反而让自己的手，血淋淋。
这些道理，我都知道。
但，我仍然不舍得。
这时，我才发现，理智和感情是很分别的两个部位。两个都想要得逞，但，一如既往，赢家只会有一个。
痛的人，也只有一个。
你，就重感情啊。
不止一个人，这样对我说过。
重感情，只有一边重，压死的，不是对方，而是自己。
终于是时候，放过自己。
放自己自由。
怎么说，久久也要让理智尝尝胜利的滋味。这样，才不会失去理智。（哈哈哈哈哈，说到很严肃，不过打这句话时，我还是忍不住爆笑）
删清了。
空了。
或许，是真的吧？
People who matter, will always find their way back.
就让自己找回自己最初的自己，那个只想开心的自己。
Hiam 