Author: thehiams

Beauty in the ordinary.

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Recently, I felt uninspired. ( Such a mouthful )

So that day, I decided to venture out with my camera in hand and see what I can see at that moment of time.

In my head, I was thinking, what will I see? Prolly the same old things that I see daily? Nothing new? Everything looks the same?

I was skeptical, even though I already dragged my arse off the couch, abandoning Finding Dory on TV ( such determination! ).

At one point of time, the camera in hand, turned into the camera in bag. Indeed, everything looks as it is. I should have stayed on the couch and finished up my Finding Dory!

As Dory always says, Just keep swimming.

So I just kept walking, hoping to find something that will make me trigger happy. I walked at a crawling speed, slowing down even further as I walked past people. Hoping to hear something – to be part of their conversations momentarily. To have a fragment of their life, even for just a split second.

I started to walk and pause, walk and pause.

There are parents bringing their children out to cycle, couples walking to have their dinner, two ladies were having an intimate conversation (possibly about the dinner that they are going to have), a woman racing her dog. I was part of their life, for a split second.

“Where are you headed towards?”

“XXX condo! You?”

“Oh! That’s pretty close! Today’s my first day at work! I’m still not quite used to it. How long have you been with Grabfood?”

” Few months. You will get used to it, it gets easier.”

“I think of the child that is at home, and all that I am missing out…I don’t think I will ever get used to it.”

One man gave the other an understanding pat on his shoulder. He feels and understand.

I am thankful, that I was part of such a beautiful connection of two humans, even for the briefest moments.

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I continue to walk, as I watched couples taking pictures at the park. I wanted to volunteer, but I don’t want to intrude on their private moments. I watched them pose and took photos for 10 minutes.

“Beep!” An alarm sound rang behind me. A teenager was riding on his e-scooter around the park, taking turns with his friends. Their laughter rang, breaking the silence.

As I walked, I finally understood the intent of this walk. It is not to see with my eyes, but to see, hear and feel with my heart.

Seeing the beauty and joy of the ordinary.

修.坏

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“坏了，看能不能修一修？”

望去，只见父母正严肃地讨论着眼前的插座。

“其实，也不贵。我们为什么不买个新的？”我终于控制不住自己的嘴巴，问了他们。

妈立刻皱眉头，想也不想就说：“明明就还有两个还能用，为什么要因为一个就把它丢了？”

“它已经坏了，你只能修好，不可能再修坏呀！不修修看，你又知道它没救了？”老豆呵呵地笑道。

于是，我们动手把它一片一片地拆开。

其实，我们对待坏了的东西的态度，和人与人之间的态度相近。

父母那一辈的人，总想着可以修，可以补。对待事情时，他们总觉得有得补救，天无绝人之路。

至少努力过了，就像那个插座一样，坏了，也只能选择看开。一个坏了，还有两个能用也不错。他们的乐天派，和我们的完美派形成了强烈的对比。

如果是我，我会毫不犹豫地把插座扔了。因为它不完美。

自己写的，只要觉得感觉不到位，便会一字不漏地把它删了。

人，一旦疏远，就会替自己想个借口，把他过去的好与坏都删除、忘却。

都只怪自己不够好。

常常把自己逼入死角。

偶尔，世界用巧妙的方法提醒你，你虽然不完美，但也还是很不错。

You are imperfect, but enough.

And that’s enough for me.

Gasping for air.

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For a long long time, I’ve avoided this.

But as I powered it on today, my heart wrenched with emotions.

The slow whirring; like it’s gasping for air whilst trying to do what I command of it.

Each click is a keen reminder of the virtue of patience; a long pause ensues before anything pops up. Even after it does, it takes a long long time before I get to start typing and proding the keys to fire it up.

It is difficult.

Not my laptop, but my emotions.

It’s like watching someone gasping for air, struggling as they work.

It’s not just someone, it’s akin to watching an old friend, dying right before your eyes.

Sometimes, I wonder how in the world do I get so emotionally attached to objects. It has been difficult for me to come to terms that I require a new laptop, now that my old friend is evidently dying a slow death.

This year marks the 8th that we spent together.

8 long years.

I am sorry that you’re suffering and I can’t seem to make it better.

I am sorry, and thank you.

Courage.

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This is one of the days.

One of those days that you cannot pick yourself up no matter how hard you try.

I wandered around aimlessly for 2 hours, hoping to walk till I disappear from reality.

Till I get tucked into an unknown corner to man, where no one saw me.

I walked till I had no other places to go, and my phone buzzed with messages.

Messages reminding me that I have to walk back to reality.

Walking back to helplessness.

Walking back to witness pain.

Walking back to a place filled with fear.

I prayed for courage.

The courage to hold her hands even when I’m shaking in fear.

The courage to let go of the pain I witness each day and walk into the room with a smile.

The courage to allow my tears to fall into the abyss of the night.

The courage to admit that perhaps this is enough.

I paced into the ward, smiling.

Only to see her writhing in pain. I ran out to get help, because I cannot do anything. Words are so useless.

Give me strength and courage, to stay strong.

Please.

Coffee breaks and in between.

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My body clock recognized that it’s time for a caffeine boost, and passed the information down to the cells, rallying them up for a headache.

The mild throbbing at my temples urged me to speed up the pace in seek of caffeine.

The nostrils flared as the smell of caffeine hits its sensors. I made a quick turn to the cafe.

As I stood in front of the cashier, all ready to order cafe latte. My eyes landed on the words – sweet potato latte.

Flood of memories blinded my eyes, and before I can stop myself; I heard my voice speaking up – sweet potato latte please. Hot.

What? No, I meant cafe latte. My mental screams left unheard, as she rang the cashier up and handed me the buzzer.

I held on the to buzzer, inhaling the calming scent of coffee.

Perhaps, this is all but a bad dream.

The buzzer beeped and flashed, reminding me that my dream is up, and my neon purple reality awaits.

As I carried my drink back to a seat, I stared down at the pretty drink. The sweet scent, so familiar and peculiar at the same time.

I held up the cup and took a short sip.

Sweet, like it’s smell. At the very least, it is not deceiving.

Another gulp.

It tastes like fruity pebbles soaked in milk and then strained. Luckily, I like fruity pebbles.

Another gulp.

Silly that I came to a cafe to order a non caffeinated drink.

I watched as the humans walked busily to and fro, rushing towards their destinations. Whilst I lazily grapple with my lack of caffeine induced headache and irritability.

I sat there, silently, observing. Wondering what was going through their minds as they whizzed past where I am seated. What stories will they offer, should I buy them a drink and listen to them talk for an hour?

I wonder if the people who walked past, wondered about what was going through my vacant stares? Are they curious about the strangers they walk past?

Or is it just me, and me alone?

Tick tock. Time’s up, I gulped down the remainder of what used to be a pretty drink, leaving the sweet potato dregs behind.

I stood up hastily, taking one last look at the remains of my coffee break before striding off in an unknown direction.

Style.

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With more free time, comes greater questions and more anxiety.

I can almost hear people laughing at my silly sentence. Isn’t free time great? You get to do what you are interested in! You get to enjoy life! You get to travel out!

True, but it also means that you have more time on your hands and butt, to sit down and start to properly reflect on the things you have done, have yet to do, would like to do, and the list goes on.

Everyone has different ways of handling free time, I guess mine is just on the other end of the spectrum. I spent alot of time thinking about things, and starting to dig things out, and start to critique my own stuff. The more I see, the more I think…

The more I pick apart my own work.

Everything I do, seems to be insufficient, measured against my own standards. And where the hell does my own standards, stems from? How did I formulate this notion of standards in my own head?

I subconciously lifted my arm to reach out for my phone, and without even flinching – I clicked opened a social media app. I mindlessly scrolled through the images, my eyes being bombarded with different visuals, colors, media, presentation.

At that moment of time, it struck me deep. I measured my own works with whatever that I picked up on social media app.

I am the green-eyed monster, who’s jealous of what others are capable of achieving, and I? I achieved nothing except hoarding thousands and thousands of images in my hard disk that I have shot over the years, many of which didn’t live to see the digital light of the day.

As the people on social media app always says – you got to be confident about yourself, then learn to love yourself. Only then you will shine in whatever you choose to do. Sure, I have no doubts about that advice, I think that’s brilliant advice! But Honey, you forgot to mention how hard it is to build up that confidence with whatever is left getting trampled on by others.

It’s ok, but we can all try.

I looked at the images I have, and I realize that I do not have a consistent style. It can also be accredited to the fact that I am a very moody person, and I shoot according to mood. So all the photos turned out very differently. ( I can almost hear someone going AH SEE EXCUSES LAI LIAO! )

But amazingly to others, they say that I do have a very distinct style, and they should be able to tell that this photo is by me when asked to differentiate.

Ok, perhaps I am not too bad! There’s hope!

Why that photo at the start of this entry? I’ve read Miss Ice Sandwich by Mieko Kawakami, during this short break of mine.

What hit home with me, was how Japanese authors have this way of creating beauty with simplicity. I love it in the way they saw beauty in our everyday life and quirks. The story was simple yet beautiful, and it allows you to rethink your life.

Still water runs deep. Something so simple, stirred something deep inside of me.

Perhaps, just perhaps, we need to learn to just put down our phones, judgement and schedules and enjoy the moment as it is.

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Who cares what style?

At this moment of time, I guess I really don’t quite care.

Farewells, goodbyes.

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Farewells and goodbyes.

I am terrible at handling such topics. Recently a card was left on my table, so that I could write a farewell message for the person who is leaving. I stared hard at whatever white space is left, and thought about what the heck I could squeeze in that little space.

Could all the emotions and memories that I have with said person, be summarized into a short well-wishing note constrained by 5cm X 4 cm? I carefully look through other messages, they all looked very very…similar. 10 years down the road, she might just pull out the card and wonder who are all these strangers people, and tries very hard to match the name to the blurred faces in her memory.

I think this is the reason why people hate farewells with generic folks. They don’t know how to react to it, and it is very very hard to have a face that says a mixture of touched/surprised (if you can handle that well, GOOD TIME TO GO ACT IN A DRAMA SERIES! WE NEED GOOD ACTORS DAMMIT). Farewells and goodbyes should be left with people that you are close with, with people who feel genuinely sad that you are leaving.

I digress.

再见 ，不久以后再见！

I feel pretty (not).

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On Friday, I rushed down to the cinemas (alone!) so that I can enjoy the movie that I’ve been anticipating – I Feel Pretty.

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Firstly, it is starring Amy Schumer! Secondly, it talks about self-esteem issues. Lastly, I believe that it is supposedly pushing for the idea that I believe in the most – being unapologetically you wins people over, and not the facade that you put up everyday.

I was sold. I need to watch the movie asap.

I stepped into the cold cinema (can someone please educate me on why is the a/c in the cinema always so blood chilling cold? Was it a feeble attempt to help us burn calories whilst we stuff our face with popcorn?) with a bucket of popcorn.

Amy Schumer plays Renee Bennett, a woman who has low self esteem and is unhappy about her life (or her lack of life). She meets this amazingly beautiful girl played by Emily Ratajkowski, and desperately hopes that she will be as pretty as her – to the extent that she went out in a thunderstorm to toss a coin to make a wish.

The next day, at a spinning class, she hit her head hard and became…delusional, that she became the slim pretty girl she has always wanted to be – warning, stereotype ahead: pretty means having thin thighs, nice ass and great boobs, the icing on the cake is having a face with a chiselled jawline.

She feels good about herself and became very very confident, well, at one point of time confidence is good. Then over-confidence turned her into a douche.

There were many parts of the movie when I thought, hmmm, they could have delved deeper into the topic. But no, it remained a superficially happy movie.

Her friends never bothered to tell her that she looks the same? My friends would have tied me down with a straight jacket and sent me to the mental institute straight away. The moment of realization that she is still the same old her and not who she thought she would be didn’t pan out well, that 10 – 15 mins of speech at the end of the movie wasn’t enough to save the entire movie like I hoped it would. Her friends forgave her for being a douche after that inspiring speech on stage.

There was many times I hoped that they would have explored self esteem and stereotypes further, how a seemingly successful businesswoman has her insecurities, how a stunningly beautiful woman has her own issues as well. Imagine if you allow it to delve deeper, the message sent across in the movie – would have been stronger.

I sat there, defeated, when the credits rolled and the lights on. Not quite willing to believe that this is the end of the movie.

This is a waste of all the talents casted in this show. And lastly, it is a waste of a perfectly good idea and topic that needs to be debated upon – self-esteem, body image, gender roles, stereotyping of both men and women.

Meanwhile, I would just have to deal with the fact that I still don’t feel quite pretty after stepping out of the cinema, and landing on reality.

Enough is enough.

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Oh, look (at my half hearted attempt to atleast put up a visual on my blog post)! That shot of the ong-lai came in handy afterall, just when I needed it the most.

I’ve been in a slump recently. I didn’t take much photos, didn’t edit photos, didn’t do this, didn’t do that.

I should just rename myself, Miss Didn’t-do.

The day finally came when I don’t have any pictures to update the blog with (which by the way, is the perfect excuse to not update blog).

I miss the me, who’s driven by passion. The me now is driven by sleep – if I embark on this, would I have less sleep? If yes, skip. If no, monitor, it could still very jeopardize my sleep in the long run.

Yes, judge if you must. Like any other human-being who is now stuck in the rat race, sleep is for the utmost important to me. I’m being very self-centric right here, there I’ve said it, stop hounding me over it. I became someone who is very focused on just getting by day to day.

Alarm rings, wake up, bathe, breakfast, work, home, dinner, sleep, repeat.

I am your average city-dweller, who just wants the week to get through, so I can finally end the reign of the alarm clock on weekends. I am comfortable, everything is on auto-pilot mode.

Alls good, no?

Then on Friday, when I finally did sit down and watch a video. And it left me thinking, am I truly living? (cues existential crisis music)

I repeated his speech twice. There’s many brilliant souls that he mentioned. But the one thing he hoped for everyone of his friends present in the hall, struck me. Indeed, facing darkness with dignity.

Forget about long term dreams. Let us be passionately dedicated to the pursuit of short term goals, Micro-ambitious.

Work with passion and pride of what is infront of us.

We don’t know where we might end up, or when it might end up.

There you have it, Jake Bailey handled life after death with grace, dignity and wisdom. Death, reminds each and every one of us, that our time on this planet is finite. To some, death is but a rude awakening, or a legit excuse to further spiral down the abyss.

We are all so engrossed with setting long term goals, and work fiercely towards it. That we left out the minor progresses that deserves a celebration. Because in our own eyes, we are never enough, we are never adequate as compared to the brilliant souls who walked before us.

We are never enough.

The video is a timely reminder, that we are enough, if we seek to work with pride and passion.

We are enough.

I am enough.

It is time to ditch our worst critics, and enable us to grow at our own time and our own space. Ultimately, as time rolls by, you realize that perhaps, we are all…

anything but ordinary.