Category: personal

You.

thehiamsLeave a comment

Hey you.

Things might be really tough right now, where everyday becomes a challenge, your mind always in a frenzy.

Your mental complains get more and more frequent, to the point where you’re tired of listening to your own complaints. The complaints are like the unnecessary reruns on telly, unrelenting.

The more you listen to the hum of the complaints, the more dishearten you feel. Like you’re struggling against the current, trying to inch towards an imaginary island that you can no longer envision.

It must have been really tiring, haven’t it?

But remember, you’re never alone. You’re well loved. This period might suck, but it will not be sucky forever.

If you don’t learn to let go, you will never learn to float in the sea. If you don’t let go, eventually the amount of exhaustion will drown you.

Perhaps there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, the burst of runs may turn out to be futile…but atleast I tried. Hurt as I may, I can proudly say that I’ve really tried.

Meanwhile, just keep swimming, just keep trying.

Perhaps one day, I’ll see you at the end of the road.

删.

thehiamsLeave a comment

这是一段，写了又删，删了又写的文字。

那些仿佛离不开口的温度，由手指尖一键一键地敲出。

其实有很多说不出口的感觉，化作哽咽的时候。我不喜欢谈感受，那种轻轻触碰就能挤出莫名的泪水的感受。

那些莫名的感受。

那些处理不清的感受，偶尔熟悉，偶尔陌生。

多么让人捉摸不清，多么像我们世上的每一个人。

x

我又删了一段文字。

是在和谁交待呢？

我不说，没有人会知道吧？

xx

其实，很多事情都是仪式感。

就像我在网上找到我之前要不回的书一样。

要的不过是失而复得的快感。

那该死的仪式感。

xxx

最近的天气不是变态热，便是狂风暴雨。

极端得没有灰色地带。

天气还比很多人爽快，帅气。

xxxx

年末，最后一样东西丢进垃圾桶里。

不褒不贬。

只求与我无关。

xxxxx

我想了很久，大概也想要划清界限吧。

会慢慢地把中文的文章移到别的地方去，重新开始。

I am…

thehiamsLeave a comment

I am still very much me.

Thoughts a lil disjointed, mood a lil erratic, but otherwise I am still very much me.

Many things have been happening, and I am still struggling to internalize and digest all the events and emotions. Emotions is a scary creature, on days it washes all over, slooshing through my every vein. On other days, it seemed almost foreign, like a barely visible fog that wafts in and out of my vision.

偶尔清晰，偶尔模糊

I recall reading a book about a boy who has the ability to transfer injuries. He started transferring all sorts of injuries from others to himself, because he’d rather that he suffer alone in this world. One day, he met a girl, who had little will to live. He started to wonder if he can transfer mental pain as well, instead of physical pain and wounds. He held her hand, and transferred her pain to himself.

What happened next was beyond his expectations, the amount of pain was far more excruciating than any physical wounds he had experienced. The visceral pain engulfed him inside out.

I don’t remember what happened in the end, but I remembered the paragraphs where he met the girl very well, and the imageries of him transferring the pain, collapsing and crumpling from the pain from the words.

I wondered if in the end he recovered from it all, that beautiful soul who sacrificed himself for others. He could have easily used his ability to transfer pain to another individual, but he chose not to.

I guess, we are truly the sum of our choices.

We chose to become us, amidst the many different choices and circumstances that we are subjected to.

We chose to become us.

Nothingness.

thehiamsLeave a comment

Feelings.

The amount of emotions that washed through me today, was so overwhelming, that my lunch came straight out.

There are times I feel that feeling too much is a blessing, but similarly, a curse. A curse, because on days where I am too tired to digest the emotions that come my way, it gets internalized. The weird attachment of a foreign emotion clouding me throughout the days and weeks.

Today, I didn’t want to feel, I just want to daze through the days, and not commit to anything.

Just nothing.

This could have been us.

thehiamsLeave a comment

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I have lost count of the number of captions that I have read that goes – This could have been us, just saying.

I always laugh out loud whenever I see it.

This would never be us because no one shares my ice cream, ever.

Guess, this is the reason why, there is never us in the first place.

Have you ever…

thehiamsLeave a comment

X100T583

That day a small piece of feather fluttered into my room.

Warm and fluffy.

The skies dark and gloomy, a stark contrast with the pure white feather. It was like what was left of a little ray of sunshine in my room.

I wonder if the birdie which dropped this piece of feather found a safe place to hide from the impending storm.

You know, when things got bad, we tend to cling on to shreds of things that we deemed as good, and tried very hard not to let go.

Little did we realize that it is really not letting go that is really hurting us.

忍

thehiamsLeave a comment

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那天，我忍不住，抱怨工作很辛苦。

娘，原本在看报纸，抬头瞥了我一眼，然后再看报纸，头也不抬地说：“这样，也叫辛苦？”

语气中夹杂着不满，和嘲讽。

不悦，我开始想要证明，我的工作的确不容易，让我感到身心疲惫，让我想要放弃等等等。

“那，你告诉我，世界上有哪个工作，不辛苦？让人身心放松，天天愉快？”

我默然。

“没有吧？”

我开始狡辩，说如果很爱很爱那份工作，大概就不会觉得那么累。

娘再给我一记白眼。

“当你的热忱，看不见回报时，不会觉得很灰心，不会觉得很不值得吗？”

我再一次陷入苦思。

“年轻人，总是被美好的憧憬蒙蔽了双眼。你们没吃过真正的苦，没有真正地用双手努力地争取过任何的东西。

对你们而言，一切都来得太容易，太可有可无。

对拱手给你的机会，你也不会珍惜。你什么都不缺，就只缺了韧性。”

娘的一针见血，让沉默的我语塞。

甚至有些惭愧。

对于上一辈来说，连教育的机会都需要争取的时代，需要养家活口的时代，多累都不能停下双手的年代，从我口中吐出“辛苦”这两个字，听起来是多么的可笑。

也是多么可耻。

看来是时候反省，建立韧性的时候了。

 

长大

thehiamsLeave a comment

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你有没有想过，成长到底是什么味道？

是甜？酸？苦？辣？咸？

对我来说，成长有一种莫名的苦涩味。虽然其中五味夹杂，但最明显的是那挥之不去的苦涩味。

或许正因如此，长大后的我，喝咖啡不再加糖。

反正，再苦，也不会比成长苦。

茶，再涩，也不会比成长涩。

偶尔啜饮着半温不暖的咖啡时，脑子里在想 – 这，或许就是咖啡抚慰心灵的地方吧？

坚持

thehiamsLeave a comment

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很多时候，很多人都会告诉你

只要坚持，一定会有成果

那种很轻描淡写地生活智慧，从他们的双唇之间脱出。

不过，他们总忘了说

有时坚持下去，也有可能会是最凄美的徒劳无功

我们到底在坚持写什么？

最近，时间越是不充足，脑袋里想的东西却是越来越多

也越来越天马行空

很像做东做西都是可行的

仿佛年少时，那种莫名的勇气，又在睡眠不足时，悄悄地找到了走回我怀抱的那条路。

时间不够用啊。

对于未来，我又很多问号

也有对未来的恐惧

我也尽量不要去思考这件事

我只是很专注地过着我的每一天。

未来，改天再聊吧。

这一点，我很坚持。

For what?

thehiamsLeave a comment

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Often I caught myself asking: for what?

It seems like I have caught on the habit of asking myself – what am I doing this for? As though there should be a purpose for everything that I do.

Not everything has a purpose.

I took the photo because I feel like it, I didn’t even rotate the picture so you can see things the way I saw.

Perhaps, it is a reminder that, there is no purpose in many things in life. We are merely giving ourselves griefs by wanting to have a perfectly driven life.

That’s perfect bullshit really.

I have no purpose for doing things that I feel like, and I am okay with it.

The skies weeps and I laughed.