I have been reading alot recently, soaking in the world that others depict.
A recurring theme in the stories that I have read is about love – the love between lovers, siblings, parent and child, pets and above all, self.
Some had happy endings, others, not quite. Some depicted love as a struggle, identity crisis, habit, understanding. Not one was identical, but nevertheless, they are beautiful and haunting in their own ways. The experiences shared through beautiful writing reminded me that, no one is truly alone in the struggle, and if you are willing to look beyond, there are others willing to accept you for who you are.
(Even though you think that you can be an unlovable monster most of the time.)
It brings hope and calm during the morning rush commute, starting each day with an inject of fresh hope, that perhaps, this world ain’t so bad and tough after all.
I know that sooner or later, I would think about the same issues.
To be perfectly honest, it’s always a cycle. I don’t quite care since I don’t use it often enough – seems a pity that I let go – the more I look at it, the precious it seems (cues my preciousssssssss)- it’s my memories after all – but can memories be eaten – the moments captured can never return – are moments captured truly representative of the moment at that point of time?
I always don’t have an answer to anything, and year after year. I would pay the fees to maintain what I term as my memory (My real memory however largely cannot be trusted). I am buying space on the world wide web to keep memories, that I don’t think is going to matter 10 years down the road.
Every year, when I pay, I have hopes for this place, and hope turns into nothing but a lie that justifies the price that I am paying to upkeep this place.
Alot of times, the real moments are often not recorded through the lens, but recorded through the eyes. The warmth of interaction cannot be captured through the lens. The last thing that ever crossed my mind when I was talking to someone close, was to raise my camera to capture them.
It was like a sacred interaction that shouldn’t be interrupted by the third party.
Alot of images are often intentional, chosen ones are curated.
Sometimes, I don’t truly understand the joy of using the camera anymore. I don’t understand the real intention of expressing anymore.
At this point, I don’t quite see the point of having this place to write anymore.
That day, a cute birdy flew into the balcony of our home. At first it circled around happily, chirping happily. It started shrieking when it realized that it doesn’t know the way out. Its friend heard the cry and was circling outside of our balcony, largely concerned, but doesn’t know how to help the trapped bird.
I hastily took some photos before approaching the bird, worried that the alarmed bird might smash against the window and hurt itself. After several minutes of gesturing towards the window, and whispering “over here! over here!” It finally decided to heed the advice and flew out of the window.
It was finally free, and it flew off, partner in tow.
I waved bye bye, and hope that it will learn from this nasty experience and not get trapped again.
I googled, it was a sunbird.
xxx
Went to have dinner, and auntie at the restaurant was alarmed that I was there alone.
“小妹妹，做么你一个人吃饭？“
“这样没有人会抢我的食物。“
Auntie chuckled and took my order.
“我不要虾、还有octopus”
“aiyo, 不可以挑食。“
“aiya过敏嘛，不是挑食，可以吃我也想吃！”
“噢，原来这样啊！“
Auntie quickly went to kitchen and yelled out my order. When she came back with this huge bowl of mentaiko chirashi, she wiggled her eyebrows at me.
“我想，你会喜欢的。“
I didn’t quite understand her words, until I started eating, and discovered that the bowl was made up of 70 percent fresh cut sashimi and maybe 30 percent rice. That day, I couldn’t finish the entire bowl, and this was the first for me.
Thank you auntie, for feeding me well.
xxx
Out exploring, and the skies are pretty. Clouds looked really fluffy, just like the freshly spun cotton candy.
蓝天白云 – perfect recipe for a scorching afternoon.
I was really thirsty and had to duck into a random shop to get myself a chilled bottle of mineral water. Ever since the mineral bottles have gone for the more green look, the bottle caps have became thinner, and I forever struggle with opening them.
After trying for a good 5 minutes, I admit defeat and went back into the shop to ask for help from the cashier auntie.
“aiyo girl ah, 年纪轻轻就没有力！“
She wet her palm with the damp washcloth on the table and twisted the cap open.
“谢谢你，不然我就渴死了。“
She reminded me of my mom, both of them are of similar age as well.
“Girl ah, 你很夸张勒！“
“救命恩人勒！“
Both of us had a good laugh while the other customers watched with amusement.
Thank you auntie, for helping me with a seemingly small task.
Ask and you shall receive.
xxx
While I was standing underneath the sign, I felt that it is a sign that I should slow down and enjoy the moment.
The warm breeze, the hustling crowd, the stream of cars.
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing, the sky is really blue today.”
“Yeah, now that you mention it, it is really blue.”
“Don’t you think that this is an interesting place?” I uttered a random sentence back to the stranger.
“Why so?”
“The mix of grey of the urban at the further back, and the burst of colors along the shop houses. The old and the new playing together to give life to this place.”
“Hmmm, you are right!” He lifts up his camera and started clicking away.
“Thank you for seeing joy in the ordinary.” He smiles and walks away.
Thank you for the conversation too, random man on the street.
xxx
This Wednesday saw the birth of unrest, and my anxiety bubbled.
I don’t know what to make of the news, and I grapple with reality each morning I open my eyes.
I did what I do best, I block out my feelings and continue my day.
As I sit and type this, the complex feelings just found its way out of the barricade.
Things might be really tough right now, where everyday becomes a challenge, your mind always in a frenzy.
Your mental complains get more and more frequent, to the point where you’re tired of listening to your own complaints. The complaints are like the unnecessary reruns on telly, unrelenting.
The more you listen to the hum of the complaints, the more dishearten you feel. Like you’re struggling against the current, trying to inch towards an imaginary island that you can no longer envision.
It must have been really tiring, haven’t it?
But remember, you’re never alone. You’re well loved. This period might suck, but it will not be sucky forever.
If you don’t learn to let go, you will never learn to float in the sea. If you don’t let go, eventually the amount of exhaustion will drown you.
Perhaps there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, the burst of runs may turn out to be futile…but atleast I tried. Hurt as I may, I can proudly say that I’ve really tried.
Meanwhile, just keep swimming, just keep trying.
Perhaps one day, I’ll see you at the end of the road.
I just googled how long it might take to break a habit.
21 days, it says.
Clicked on another scholarly article, and it says this research result was published in 1970s.
Ouch, a near 40 years of difference.
Let me click on another article, it says for a new habit to stick, it takes an average of 66 days. 66 days doesn’t sound all too bad, it’s like…2 months.
Then I read on, only to find out that it varies from individual to individual, it could take place from 18 days ( ~2.5 weeks) to 254 days (8.5 months). The huge range will prolly make my stats prof weep.
I clicked on article after article, and each suggests a different length of time required.
There seems to not be a fixed solution to this problem at hand, which is fair enough, as we are all unique individuals with different mindsets and level of self discipline.
My level of self discipline: Near zero. ( it might look better in decimal points, but that would introduce even more zeros infront, which isn’t ideal)
My level of stubborn-ness: Donkey.
Chances of success story to update others: Donkey X zero = zero
Well, that sure puts things into perspective, and is very encouraging to individual (aka me).
Looks like we have some work to do, or reverse engineer this. Cultivate a good habit to cancel out the effects of that one bad habit. Outnumber the bad habits by having more good habits!
4. Level of evasion: infinite (please hire me to play dodgeball, I am good at avoiding issues)
FINE.
I guess I really do want to get rid of this habit, but I am very emotional. I am an emotion-hoarder (is there such a term?)
The thing is, I let people waltz in and out of my life. I know they are doing this intentionally, only waltzing in when they need help, or they lack attention. (Essentially I am a doormat)
I find excuses for them – they really need help! What if they really needed a listening ear, and I turned them away? What if this what if that...
The amount of drama that went through my head whenever I see a familiar yet strange name pop-up on my phone screen…is immense. (I am dying in my own melodrama, would mediacorp perhaps consider hiring me).
I rationalize by saying that if I did not rendered help when they need it, and something did indeed happened…I will just live in guilt my entire life.
Though, most of the situations were not life-threatening (thank goodness), after helping/listening to them. They disappear into a wisp of air, and will only return when the next episodes starts.
Then, I start questioning myself. Is that really needed? Do I really need to even entertain them?
Then I realized, this is a bad habit. A habit that I need to break (atleast for the moment, because I do have alot on my plate at the moment).
To quit prioritizing people who prolly don’t truly value me anyway.
But every time, a situation arises, and my heart would soften and I will end up helping anyway.
Kill them with kindness, so they say.
I think the only one that I am killing is myself.
Though I don’t think I will fully break this never-ending vicious cycle of dilemma(I think that requires a change of character in entirety), I think I must learn to pick my battles very carefully.
Instead of breaking this habit, I think I would prefer to cultivate the habit of taking time to reply.
To let myself cool down, think, before deciding if I want to reply.
Onwards to the next 65 days of growing this habit!
With more free time, comes greater questions and more anxiety.
I can almost hear people laughing at my silly sentence. Isn’t free time great? You get to do what you are interested in! You get to enjoy life! You get to travel out!
True, but it also means that you have more time on your hands and butt, to sit down and start to properly reflect on the things you have done, have yet to do, would like to do, and the list goes on.
Everyone has different ways of handling free time, I guess mine is just on the other end of the spectrum. I spent alot of time thinking about things, and starting to dig things out, and start to critique my own stuff. The more I see, the more I think…
The more I pick apart my own work.
Everything I do, seems to be insufficient, measured against my own standards. And where the hell does my own standards, stems from? How did I formulate this notion of standards in my own head?
I subconciously lifted my arm to reach out for my phone, and without even flinching – I clicked opened a social media app. I mindlessly scrolled through the images, my eyes being bombarded with different visuals, colors, media, presentation.
At that moment of time, it struck me deep. I measured my own works with whatever that I picked up on social media app.
I am the green-eyed monster, who’s jealous of what others are capable of achieving, and I? I achieved nothing except hoarding thousands and thousands of images in my hard disk that I have shot over the years, many of which didn’t live to see the digital light of the day.
As the people on social media app always says – you got to be confident about yourself, then learn to love yourself. Only then you will shine in whatever you choose to do. Sure, I have no doubts about that advice, I think that’s brilliant advice! But Honey, you forgot to mention how hard it is to build up that confidence with whatever is left getting trampled on by others.
It’s ok, but we can all try.
I looked at the images I have, and I realize that I do not have a consistent style. It can also be accredited to the fact that I am a very moody person, and I shoot according to mood. So all the photos turned out very differently. ( I can almost hear someone going AH SEE EXCUSES LAI LIAO! )
But amazingly to others, they say that I do have a very distinct style, and they should be able to tell that this photo is by me when asked to differentiate.
Ok, perhaps I am not too bad! There’s hope!
Why that photo at the start of this entry? I’ve read Miss Ice Sandwich by Mieko Kawakami, during this short break of mine.
What hit home with me, was how Japanese authors have this way of creating beauty with simplicity. I love it in the way they saw beauty in our everyday life and quirks. The story was simple yet beautiful, and it allows you to rethink your life.
Still water runs deep. Something so simple, stirred something deep inside of me.
Perhaps, just perhaps, we need to learn to just put down our phones, judgement and schedules and enjoy the moment as it is.
Who cares what style?
At this moment of time, I guess I really don’t quite care.
I am terrible at handling such topics. Recently a card was left on my table, so that I could write a farewell message for the person who is leaving. I stared hard at whatever white space is left, and thought about what the heck I could squeeze in that little space.
Could all the emotions and memories that I have with said person, be summarized into a short well-wishing note constrained by 5cm X 4 cm? I carefully look through other messages, they all looked very very…similar. 10 years down the road, she might just pull out the card and wonder who are all these strangers people, and tries very hard to match the name to the blurred faces in her memory.
I think this is the reason why people hate farewells with generic folks. They don’t know how to react to it, and it is very very hard to have a face that says a mixture of touched/surprised (if you can handle that well, GOOD TIME TO GO ACT IN A DRAMA SERIES! WE NEED GOOD ACTORS DAMMIT). Farewells and goodbyes should be left with people that you are close with, with people who feel genuinely sad that you are leaving.
On Friday, I rushed down to the cinemas (alone!) so that I can enjoy the movie that I’ve been anticipating – I Feel Pretty.
Firstly, it is starring Amy Schumer! Secondly, it talks about self-esteem issues. Lastly, I believe that it is supposedly pushing for the idea that I believe in the most – being unapologetically you wins people over, and not the facade that you put up everyday.
I was sold. I need to watch the movie asap.
I stepped into the cold cinema (can someone please educate me on why is the a/c in the cinema always so blood chilling cold? Was it a feeble attempt to help us burn calories whilst we stuff our face with popcorn?) with a bucket of popcorn.
Amy Schumer plays Renee Bennett, a woman who has low self esteem and is unhappy about her life (or her lack of life). She meets this amazingly beautiful girl played by Emily Ratajkowski, and desperately hopes that she will be as pretty as her – to the extent that she went out in a thunderstorm to toss a coin to make a wish.
The next day, at a spinning class, she hit her head hard and became…delusional, that she became the slim pretty girl she has always wanted to be – warning, stereotype ahead: pretty means having thin thighs, nice ass and great boobs, the icing on the cake is having a face with a chiselled jawline.
She feels good about herself and became very very confident, well, at one point of time confidence is good. Then over-confidence turned her into a douche.
There were many parts of the movie when I thought, hmmm, they could have delved deeper into the topic. But no, it remained a superficially happy movie.
Her friends never bothered to tell her that she looks the same? My friends would have tied me down with a straight jacket and sent me to the mental institute straight away. The moment of realization that she is still the same old her and not who she thought she would be didn’t pan out well, that 10 – 15 mins of speech at the end of the movie wasn’t enough to save the entire movie like I hoped it would. Her friends forgave her for being a douche after that inspiring speech on stage.
There was many times I hoped that they would have explored self esteem and stereotypes further, how a seemingly successful businesswoman has her insecurities, how a stunningly beautiful woman has her own issues as well. Imagine if you allow it to delve deeper, the message sent across in the movie – would have been stronger.
I sat there, defeated, when the credits rolled and the lights on. Not quite willing to believe that this is the end of the movie.
This is a waste of all the talents casted in this show. And lastly, it is a waste of a perfectly good idea and topic that needs to be debated upon – self-esteem, body image, gender roles, stereotyping of both men and women.
Meanwhile, I would just have to deal with the fact that I still don’t feel quite pretty after stepping out of the cinema, and landing on reality.
Hiam 