Category: Uncategorized

Time

The beauty that I purchased recently.

A watch that quietly tells time, and only time.

In a fast paced society, a watch represents much more than an apparatus that tells time. It also brings the notifications (when we can’t be bothered to look at our phone, or when we cannot brazenly stare at our phones during meetings), tell us vital stats, and do alot of other acrobatics. It’s a mini phone in nature, which sits nicely on the wrist.

A watch, is never just a watch these days. It fuels our need to be constantly in the know, to consistently respond when needed. We need to know the stats of our last run, how far did we go? How fast did we go? Down to the exact second, down to the exact meter. They are smart enough to guess what we are doing most of the time.

The question is, do we really need to know? What do we do with the knowledge? Do we use it to set new goals? I am busy, charting my progress, and then making new goals. Do I really need to go to that extend, or am I just chasing goals after goals for the thrill of it.

Someone once remarked, “You are always preoccupied.”

Then I snapped out of it. Perhaps I don’t need to.

Recently while using the laptop, I uncovered a whole range of photos of myself…in an era sans the phone on my wrist.

I look so much healthier, and happy.

I look so carefree, and busy being me.

At this moment, I miss myself, so so much.

There was many letting go’s to be done this season.

(mentally, I don’t know why am I singing Let it GOOOOOO let it GOOOOOOOOO..)

Jokes aside, it has been a tough period of time.

Another tough season! Although people would have said that my mentality and thinking had caused me to perpetually land myself in one shithole or another. There is no denying that there had been shit holes present (imaginary or not).

Each time, I licked my lips nervously and wondered how do I climb out of the shit hole, while climbing up. Each time I doubted my ability to climb out, each time I had proven myself wrong. I can climb out, in varying speeds, but the fact remains that, I can climb out.

Job wise, I finally worked up the courage to tell boss that I am thinking of a time-out, to gather myself together. I licked my lips and said in a stuttering voice, that it is within my plans. She looked concerned, and just as I thought she would want more reasoning behind my time out, she blurted out, “When are you planning to take that?” before she asked “Why?”

My heart sank, my reason is secondary to the time that they have to secure another person to sit in my seat. How replaceable one is in an organisation.

“Next year.” I mumbled. I think that gives you enough time to find someone, and for me to clear my cupboard and desk to make way for the next in line.

The next thing I knew, I was invited to meet the biggest boss, and how she thought that I am doing well, and should not throw in the towel so easily.

P.S: Performance review states otherwise.

Guess I am stuck despite me making the effort to speak my mind better.

People told me to challenge myself to move out of my comfort zone, I worked up my nerve to do just that, but invited my scrutiny to what I am doing at work.

It backfired on me.

Time for Plan B!

Except that there’s no plan B.

I read my previous post and laughed.

I have ceased to exist in 2023 as well.

Before work starts in full swing (it has already started, just perhaps not that in my face yet), I thought it would be good to post something to justify the payment to retain this domain, and this pristine blog.

2023, for a lack of better words, started out full of hope…

which slowly turns into a facade

then molted to a mirage

All the empty promises made, all the hurtful words, all the losses, all the pain, all the setbacks…so many things about it were negative.

I scoured my brains to look for positive moments, and I couldn’t find any.

A short chat I had with A, reminded me about loads of things.

“Why you never ever ask me how I feel?”

“Because you are someone who needs to digest your own feelings and emotions, clarify and see if you want to internalise it or not, and make appropriate changes to it. I don’t need to ask how you feel, I will see it from your actions and words. You don’t need to talk about it, you need time left alone to digest.”

“Now?”

“You are still trying to digest and make sense of it. It’s all very normal, just like the digestive system, you digest, you assimilate those that you think are beneficial, and for those that cannot be digested, it will be excreted. That’s you. You don’t thrive talking about yourself, you thrive on being able to listen to your own thoughts, and handle them.”

“Aren’t you worried that I feel that you don’t care about me?”

“You know whether someone cares about you or not. Everyone does, just that some don’t acknowledge it that’s all.”

I think the conversation encapsulates my feelings about 2023.

I am trying to digest, and maybe getting indigestion from overworking.

But I will become better.

Hopefully.

It felt really odd, to login to the page, only to discover that the last post was published a year earlier.

To end off 2021.

Not a single word was uttered for 2022, it was like I have ceased to exist for the entire year.

To be brutally honest, 2022 has been a really tough year (for me). I went months and months, holding on to my sanity month after month.

“I just need to get pass this month, next month will be better.”

Then came the next month.

“Ugh, ok, I can get pass this month, just one more month, and it will get better.”

It’s a lie that I probably repeat to myself days after days, weeks after weeks, months after months. Deadline after deadline, meeting after meetings, crisis after crisis, insomnia after insomnia, headaches after headaches.

Well I guess, anything to tide me through all this.

Time finally slowed down at end November, when everything is supposed to come to an end. My table in a mess, heart even more so, when it finally dawned upon me that…

This truly is the end.

2021, have been a rather odd journey, while I was on the journey, it was tough, arduous, and there are many a times where I felt very alone and that no one truly understood my pain.

On the last day of 2021, I have what I worked hard for, and lost some along the way.

May 2022 be better.

没被火烧过，怎么成为凤凰？

Every year end, I ask myself the same question.

Every time, I don’t get an answer (largely because I am not really sure to begin with).

Just like how I feel that it is fruitless to maintain this blog, but yet I choose to let the subscription roll over every year.

Today, I double took at my own reflection in the mirror.

I look familiar, yet feel unfamiliar.

Like a hollowed being, the roundness of my cheeks sunken to show the protruding cheek bones. The sunken eyes. The gloss in my eyes.

It was a scary moment like I have seen something else in the mirror.

But.

It was only me.

What’s left of me.

Sometimes, happiness comes in the form of a pint of your favourite ice cream.

There’s joy in sticking a metal spoon straight into the pint to dig out scoop after scoop, feeling that cooling spoon against your tongue.

Spoonful after spoonful.

Until you hit the end.

Perhaps, another day.

最近，日子过的很奇怪。

看着世界的分争，病毒的肆虐，求存的人们，躺在土地上窒息而死的人们，尸体原地烧的影片……

再看看身边的人抱怨没有国能出，不能外出吃饭而抱怨连连。

我们有的生活，是他们的奢求。

偶尔，换位思考，是种很打脸，让人瞬间清醒的行为。

努力，活着，

才能迎来更好的明天。