writing – Hiam

Coffee breaks and in between.

October 14, 2018 thehiamsLeave a comment

My body clock recognized that it’s time for a caffeine boost, and passed the information down to the cells, rallying them up for a headache.

The mild throbbing at my temples urged me to speed up the pace in seek of caffeine.

The nostrils flared as the smell of caffeine hits its sensors. I made a quick turn to the cafe.

As I stood in front of the cashier, all ready to order cafe latte. My eyes landed on the words – sweet potato latte.

Flood of memories blinded my eyes, and before I can stop myself; I heard my voice speaking up – sweet potato latte please. Hot.

What? No, I meant cafe latte. My mental screams left unheard, as she rang the cashier up and handed me the buzzer.

I held on the to buzzer, inhaling the calming scent of coffee.

Perhaps, this is all but a bad dream.

The buzzer beeped and flashed, reminding me that my dream is up, and my neon purple reality awaits.

As I carried my drink back to a seat, I stared down at the pretty drink. The sweet scent, so familiar and peculiar at the same time.

I held up the cup and took a short sip.

Sweet, like it’s smell. At the very least, it is not deceiving.

Another gulp.

It tastes like fruity pebbles soaked in milk and then strained. Luckily, I like fruity pebbles.

Another gulp.

Silly that I came to a cafe to order a non caffeinated drink.

I watched as the humans walked busily to and fro, rushing towards their destinations. Whilst I lazily grapple with my lack of caffeine induced headache and irritability.

I sat there, silently, observing. Wondering what was going through their minds as they whizzed past where I am seated. What stories will they offer, should I buy them a drink and listen to them talk for an hour?

I wonder if the people who walked past, wondered about what was going through my vacant stares? Are they curious about the strangers they walk past?

Or is it just me, and me alone?

Tick tock. Time’s up, I gulped down the remainder of what used to be a pretty drink, leaving the sweet potato dregs behind.

I stood up hastily, taking one last look at the remains of my coffee break before striding off in an unknown direction.

Style.

June 16, 2018 thehiamsLeave a comment

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With more free time, comes greater questions and more anxiety.

I can almost hear people laughing at my silly sentence. Isn’t free time great? You get to do what you are interested in! You get to enjoy life! You get to travel out!

True, but it also means that you have more time on your hands and butt, to sit down and start to properly reflect on the things you have done, have yet to do, would like to do, and the list goes on.

Everyone has different ways of handling free time, I guess mine is just on the other end of the spectrum. I spent alot of time thinking about things, and starting to dig things out, and start to critique my own stuff. The more I see, the more I think…

The more I pick apart my own work.

Everything I do, seems to be insufficient, measured against my own standards. And where the hell does my own standards, stems from? How did I formulate this notion of standards in my own head?

I subconciously lifted my arm to reach out for my phone, and without even flinching – I clicked opened a social media app. I mindlessly scrolled through the images, my eyes being bombarded with different visuals, colors, media, presentation.

At that moment of time, it struck me deep. I measured my own works with whatever that I picked up on social media app.

I am the green-eyed monster, who’s jealous of what others are capable of achieving, and I? I achieved nothing except hoarding thousands and thousands of images in my hard disk that I have shot over the years, many of which didn’t live to see the digital light of the day.

As the people on social media app always says – you got to be confident about yourself, then learn to love yourself. Only then you will shine in whatever you choose to do. Sure, I have no doubts about that advice, I think that’s brilliant advice! But Honey, you forgot to mention how hard it is to build up that confidence with whatever is left getting trampled on by others.

It’s ok, but we can all try.

I looked at the images I have, and I realize that I do not have a consistent style. It can also be accredited to the fact that I am a very moody person, and I shoot according to mood. So all the photos turned out very differently. ( I can almost hear someone going AH SEE EXCUSES LAI LIAO! )

But amazingly to others, they say that I do have a very distinct style, and they should be able to tell that this photo is by me when asked to differentiate.

Ok, perhaps I am not too bad! There’s hope!

Why that photo at the start of this entry? I’ve read Miss Ice Sandwich by Mieko Kawakami, during this short break of mine.

What hit home with me, was how Japanese authors have this way of creating beauty with simplicity. I love it in the way they saw beauty in our everyday life and quirks. The story was simple yet beautiful, and it allows you to rethink your life.

Still water runs deep. Something so simple, stirred something deep inside of me.

Perhaps, just perhaps, we need to learn to just put down our phones, judgement and schedules and enjoy the moment as it is.

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Who cares what style?

At this moment of time, I guess I really don’t quite care.

On my table

February 11, 2018February 11, 2018 thehiams3 Comments

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This afternoon, I took a photo of the pile of books on my table as I scribbled on my notebook.

My current reads:

The Zoo Quest Expeditions by Sir David Attenborough (please insert heart in eyes emoji in your own imagination)

and

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (in Chinese – I’ve gotten this a present last Christmas)

I used to beable to sit down for hours (perhaps that could also aid to explain my larger-than desired butt) and just read. I could read and forget about meals, and be in the zone. But sadly, these days, I’ve been fiddling with my phone more than my books.

My pile of books waiting to be read, waiting to be given life, sits in a lonely pile in a box – neglected, and seemingly abandoned.

The inertia is real, and very scary. The amount of guilt that I felt every time my gaze fell on the box is…

I took f.o.r.e.v.e.r to read through half of the book. The younger me would prolly look at the me now in absolute disgust, appalled at the person I’ve became (eh, sorry la. Adulting sucks, or rather I suck at adulting). I used to polish off books so fast, and concocted all these lovely little mini movies in my head whilst I read.

My attention span is now very very questionable and (somewhat) disappointing.

It’s extraordinary how self-obsessed human beings are. The things that people always go on about is, ‘tell us about us’, ‘tell us about the first human being’. We are so self-obsessed with our own history. There is so much more out there than what connects to us.
– Sir David Attenborough

Shucks. I’m self-obsessed too.

Back to the books!

January 14, 2018January 14, 2018 thehiamsLeave a comment

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Lately, it has been raining.

Sometimes, pouring,

Sometimes, drizzling.

Sometimes, raining cats and dogs and perhaps godzilla.

And the non-stop rain, left a temporary effect on the temperature of our naturally toasty weather. It has been a rather cooling 22-24 degrees celsius for the past few days. It’s like…our entire nation is air-con weather.

Alot others call it sweater weather.

And I? I am just grateful that the weather is cooling after my rashes episode. Cooler weather is gentler on my red rash condition. Less sweat, less rash. Hence, I’ve been walking around in my tees and shorts, much to my amazement and amusement of my relatives – who are all decked in pull-overs, cardigans and….heat tech socks.

But the grey skies…just makes one feel very lazy and unmotivated. The need to curl up in bed covered in warm toasty blankets is real. But the cooling weather, made me wake up earlier than usual, and the dread of sitting on the porcelain throne is very real. Hence I cannot wait for this episode to be over.

Besides, my rash is (mostly) gone.

2018, is off to a really queer start, and I am looking forward to an equally queer journey ahead. As I sit infront of the window, typing out this entry, the sound of the rain drops pitter and pattering gradually fades. The scenery clears up.

Perhaps, it is but time to return to reality.

Hello, 2018.

January 6, 2018January 6, 2018 thehiamsLeave a comment

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Oh hey, it’s 2018.

Whilst many are on the “new year new me” BS, I took a step back and start to wonder, how would I want my 2018 to be?

Because to be perfectly honest, nearly a week into 2018…I still feel very 2017, 2016, 2015…

To me, it feels like any other day.

I don’t feel particularly special, or that I have aged (atleast not visibly – I hope), nor do I feel the fresh hope that a new year brings.

Like any other day, I slept, and I woke up, then I proceed to do the things that I usually do. I sincerely, do not get it, and was rolling my eyes in my mind, when people are asking me what were my new year resolutions.

Resolutions.

That faraway word. That big word, what I loved using when I was much younger, deluding myself at the start of every year that I will follow through with them the entire year (but I never did, not a single one of them have been accomplished). Resolutions.

I simply replied, to exist, to read, and to sleep more.

I know many people have issues with the word exist. It gets them started ALL THE TIME, just like how people who abhors durians react when I shove it in their faces. Existing is important, especially to those who matter to you.

Spend time with yourself, build yourself, love yourself, then love others.

Someone who was once a close friend, once told me – you don’t help others, in hope of the kindness being returned. Help, simply because you want to, not because you need to, or wants good karma. It is simply the heart of wanting to be kind, that makes it precious. It is in us, to choose to be kind.

The similar rule applies to love. Love unconditionally.

2018, I guess, I could learn to love you, and perhaps, myself.

Life. Stories.

October 18, 2017October 18, 2017 thehiamsLeave a comment

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Bangkok, Thailand.

As I ran in through the closing doors of the airport rail, I was greeted by this sight. I sneakily took a picture of this moment.

No matter where I went, the same subway moments strike me again and again. Everyone looks so connected, yet looks so…far, distant and disconnected at the same time. Together and disconnected, so I say.

Somewhere through the journey, I can’t help but wonder, what is on their mind? What is their story?

When I was young, I’ve always wanted the ability to read minds, because I truly believed that everyone of us have a powerful story to share. Behind every smile and tear, there is something that others couldn’t quite fully understand.

I feel you, but I truly don’t feel on the level that you do.

As I grew up, I learnt that the thirst of wanting to knows how others feel or what they are thinking – is called kaypoh. If you put it in better sounding terms, I empathize! But I’ll admit that I am more of the kaypoh type. I love it when people share their stories and feelings with me. More often than not, I would be the silent listener.

I don’t judge (outloud), and I don’t offer advice, because I realize that these 2 things are the things that people need the least when they approach me.

The listening ear indeed.

Sharing of stories, forms a true momentary bond between the speaker and listening. The unmistakable closeness. It is also due to the exact same reason, that, if given a choice, we would speak to strangers instead.

Stripped of the background, names, familiarity, we are nothing more than just humans. Humans with nothing attached to us. We have got nothing to gain, nothing to lose, hence we speak with our hearts and soul.

The easiest and often honest conversations always happens with strangers you just met. That auntie in the coffee shop, the grandma sitting on the benches, the uncle puffing his lung sacs away…

After the conversation, the bond breaks, and you are never to see them again. You carry on with you the wisdom, the lessons behind the conversations, to in turn, create your own.

Life. Stories.

May 10, 2017May 10, 2017 thehiamsLeave a comment

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